Family Business Infographic

Family Business Infographic

Are you a family business owner or family member? Maybe just curious about family firms? Or maybe you work with these complex systems . . . check out our infographic on family firms!

Family Legacy Ebook

Feel free to also get a copy of our eBook: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business. You can purchase it at Gumroad or get it free when you subscribe to our email list. You can, of course, unsubscribe at any time and your email will never be shared.

Prairie Family Business Association Social

We are members of the Prairie Family Business Association (PFBA) and we are helping to host a Members and Potential Members Social in Omaha on September 7th, 2017 from 4-6 pm. So come check out all that the PFBA offers, meet some other FB owners, and enjoy some refreshments. 

If you have read the infographic (above) or other information on family businesses you will know why we as a family firm promote and encourage others in the Midwest to check out the PFBA.

You can also check out the PFBA article about . . . Us!

Have a great week and I hope to meet some of you on September 7th!

Bryan

Leadership Lessons . . . The Guys I Admire . . . and Getting Trained Up!

Our Save the Date Announcement

Hello there . . . again!  If you have been a long-time subscriber to my blog, then you know that I often talk about leadership issues. I've shared the story of my "Old Ball-Coach" who was selected as the National Coach of the Year (my most read post this year) and how the effect of losing this leader turned a very talented group of basketball players into a bad team. I've told you about the Greatest Leadership Lesson I Ever Learned. And, those who followed my old blog got to hear how my Dad got the team bus moving--rescuing this very same Coach when the Bus Driver Wouldn't Move the Bus. We're told you about "Broken Leaders" and finding the courage to continue to serve others. We've also shared our leadership resources and blog posts on ideas to help leaders communicate, and dealing with power struggles.

The fact is, I could tell you stories all day long about leadership simply because I have been "in the thick of it" my entire life--first as the oldest son of the man- who-is-running-the-college, then as college student leader (Resident Assistant, Club President), career manager (up to, and including. as Executive Director and President), current business owner . . . and the most critical leadership role . . . father of six children.

Now, we at HSC are partnering with a local church to put on our first Christian Leadership Conference! (Catchy name huh? I thought about calling it something cool--do we still say "cool?"--like "Prospect" reminiscent of the athlete that has great potential and is being recruited to play for the local school. But then I thought, "Who would have know what that conference was about?" Maybe I should have studied branding more. Maybe not.) 

More about the conference in a minute. But I'd like to tell you about how this conference came "to be" and why I am excited to promote it.

How it came about

A friend, and former college classmate, read one of my posts about leadership. This friend, the president of a Colorado bank branch in a family-owned firm, had recently been part of a consulting process that required him to go through training on crucial conversations and emotional intelligence. He said it was rigorous, excruciating at times, and very beneficial. Upon reading one of my blog posts, he concluded that Christian Leaders needed some of the same training . . . and he decided that I should be the one to do it.

So we are doing it September 30th, in Lincoln, Nebraska and those attending will get to hear my friend "Murph" talk about his own personal experience in becoming a person-centered leader. You;ll also get to hear from Jim Tuttle, the Minister of Heartlands Church, who, along with HSC is sponsoring this conference. Jim is a leader with a heart. He is focused on helping Heartlands reach out into the community to help people where they are. He has his own personal experience being served by a church at a conference he himself attended when he became ill and he will be sharing this, and Heartlands commitment, to helping leaders at the conference.

Why I am excited about the conference

But that's not the only reason, why I'm excited about the conference. The main reason I am excited about it is because of the "core" of what we are going to offer . . . .

First, I've asked a friend, David Ensign, whom I admire a great deal to talk about the biblical principles of leadership. Why David? Because I have seen his leadership and scholarship "up close and personal." When I thought about who I would want to listen to talk about leadership, David was the first person that came to mind. David's life has demonstrated great courage through loss (the death of his wonderful wife, Linda, and his own cancer). He continues to be a leader despite those losses.

A. Keith Miller is a man I know very well. He's my brother and my consulting partner. Keith has extensive leadership experience. A twenty-one year career in the Air Force leading teams of more than 100 (including working across branches) he has a person-centered style that was recognized and rewarded for its efficacy. These Lessons Learned Around the World (a training manual he developed for leaders) is strengthened by his masters degree in organizational behavior and the consulting experience working with organizations and leaders.

Then there's me. I'm going to present simply because, well, I'm an expert. Oh, did I just say that out loud? Did I just lose my "humble-midwesterner club card? Well, as uncomfortable as it makes me to say it, I am. Senior leadership positions for more than 20 years. Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies, Associate Professor, a professional counselor for more than two decades. Business owner. Consultant. You might say, I've done nothing to avoid the "expert label"--particularly when it comes to people issues--and you'd be right. So, I'm going to bring these experiences to the conference to talk about emotional intelligence and to engage participants in activities that will help them apply and learn about how to engage this critical element in their leadership actions.

why register?

Because we want this conference to be a powerful and practical learning experience. We are limiting attendance to the first 48 people who sign up. We will have some learning opportunities about leadership and emotional intelligence but one core element will be on getting some practical skills in communication and emotionally intelligent leadership.

Participants also have an optional opportunity to sit down one-on-one with an experienced advisor at the end of the conference to talk about their specific leadership challenges.(To take advantage of this, participants must register and then contact us to reserve a spot.)

Oh yeah, I'm also excited because we are going to have participants  "defuse bombs!"  No, of course not--not real ones. But we are going to utilize bomb defusal processes to teach some important lessons on communication and team work. We've done this with work groups and look forward to doing it again at the conference. Here is our Bomb Defusal Unit badge:

So, here's the deal. If you are somewhere in "driving distance," you are available on September 30th, and you are one of the first 48 people to register, then you will be included in the conference and I promise you will have a bit of fun and your leadership will benefit from attendingt. 

The Eclipse . . . Understanding People . . . and New Babies!

Photo by nousnou iwasaki on Unsplash

The Eclipse . . .  Understanding People . . . and New Babies!

Of course, next week is the total eclipse. We are fortunate to live near "ground zero" only 40 miles from the point where it will have the longest duration. Facts about the eclipse are all over the internet, the news, even Bill Nye--the former "science" now political guy--is coming here to take in the phenomenon. The frenzy makes me think of the old shows, like Gilligan's Island, where some natural phenomenon was interpreted at some sort of sign. Now, as then, I think the most fascinating thing to watch will be the people.

How do you understand people?

It was 15 years ago, that my colleague and I sat reviewing the data of the international consulting firm. It was the first time we were going to get an inside look into what a "real" consulting firm--and a very powerful and well respected firm--was doing to understand the employees. 

What kind of statistical analysis would they be using? The goal had been to measure the employee satisfaction of the company's primary facility--about 3,000 employees--across many factors--supervision, company benefits, working conditions, training, etc. We wondered, as we opened the packet, what kind of statistical modeling would this leading company use to understand the data and compare this company to others in the industry and across the country? The answer was surprising.

We were already working with a manufacturing company when the head of HR suggested that our work be dove-tailed with the survey the company had completed recently. So, we had been given the raw data and were scheduled to meet with the primary consultants for the firm-a couple of Ph.D.s from Chicago. Our role was to conduct focus groups to turn the results into action plans. To do this we would be helping the company design a plan to get good "informants" from across the 9 plants and 3 shifts.  We would conduct focus groups on each of the areas in which the company was "below" the threshold of the comparibles--other U.S. manufacturing firms.

What kind of statistics did the consulting firm use for these comparisons? The most basic and simple tests available. As a graduate student I expected much more sophistication. The metrics they were using? T-tests and P-values. Humble little T-tests. The simplest and first statistical test learned by new students of statistics.

Yes, the qualitative analysis, had it's benefits. You could see exactly how much this company differed statistically from the average.  You could easily separate out the areas of strengths and weaknesses compared to a mythical average manufacturing firm. But, to explain the results, and to begin to formulate solutions they relied on talking to the employees themselves--thus the focus groups.

Speaking of numbers, this week we had some significant stats of our own. This week our family had 5.0 puppies born this week and 1.0 grandsons. A big week. But the stats hardly due it justice. It does not really explain "what it was like." Maybe it will help to have a little description . . . The pups are Dobie's--a Doberman/Collie mix and the grandson? Well, he's perfect. With dark hair, "monkey-toes," his mother's long fingers and his dad's forehead. Which tells you more about our week?

Here's our new momma, Scout, and the puppies!

The experience with the international firm, taught me a couple of valuable lessons. One, there is no need to fear large, power-house consulting firms. Since I live in the shadow of one of the biggest in the country that is important.  Two, good tools are not always the most complex, or "showy" tools. In fact, when it comes to human systems I would trust the "gut" of a well-trained and experienced Psychologist over the technical prowess of most business consultants!

No statistics and quantitative analysis certainly have their place. But, if you really want to understand people, engage them in solutions, and get a deep understanding of the interactions of a work group or organizations, you'll need consultants with skills in qualitative methods.

After all, the results we care about, are the ones that impact people.  We love hearing comments from customers like these::

"The team just seems happier."

"I didn't even know there wasn't ventilation in our plant." (Follow up to action plans implemented 2 years earlier)

"We are communicating more."

"I don't dread coming to work anymore."

"The start-up has gone smoothly and the Director and Assistant Director seem to be working together."

"Mom and I are treating each other with more respect."

"The problem has gone away."

"We saw how well things went with the organization after the consult that's why we're asking you to work with this other team."

Going back the topic of understanding people. If you were stranded on an island with a number of other people. Would you want to consult with a "bean counter" who could tell you that the "likelihood of one of the team becoming superstitious--maybe even to the point of threatening your rescue--was 60% in the first 250 days." Or would you want the people-person to tell you if the newly arrived castaway, Ted, was in danger of "flipping out?" I want to know about Ted.

So, if you find yourself headed "our way" to watch the eclipse because you are mesmerized by the science of it all--very cool. If you can quote the numbers--how often this happens, the duration of the event, the percentage of people that will be able to view it, or others--again cool. For me, while the eclipse is of great interest, it's not the primary one. So, don't mind me, I'll just be enjoying the experience . . . and watching the people.

Have a "people question?"  Contact us and we'll see if we can help. We set aside time for free consults just for this purpose. There is no cost and no obligation. 

Mavericks . . . and Tips for Preventing Implosion at the time of Transition

Photo Credit: Ben White on Unsplash

After I had finished speaking, a family friend approached me.  He said, "I really enjoyed what you had to say, but I noticed that your parents walked out on you!"

It started like this . . .Several years ago I was speaking in a city near where my parents lived. It just happened that they had travel plans and were leaving from the airport in that city and told me that would swing by and listen to my "talk" . . . but, they would have to leave before I was done to catch their flight. I connected with them before the speech, started my presentation and, when they stood up--waving as they snuck out the back--I nodded in their direction to acknowledge the prearranged plan.

My response to my twinkle-eyed friend who delighted in putting me on the spot? I told him, "Well, that's okay, you can't teach your parents anything anyway!"

Which brings me to talking about Mavericks. Sometimes they are charismatic leaders. Entrepreneurial types. Visionaries. Sometimes they are ideologs--passionate about their mission. Sometimes they're family.

Too often the vary characteristics that make these Mavericks successful often sow the seeds that cause their work to implode once they are no longer "in the driver's seat." The dynamics of following a leader who was a "golden child" or domineering force are turbulent with threats of comparisons, resistance to change, and stress.

To make things more complicated, Mavericks rarely see the risk. After all, their nature tends toward confidence, maybe over confidence. They believe they can succeed where others do not--create a new product or market, improve upon the established product or service, out hustle and out sell the competition. The challenges of continuing that success beyond their reign seldom is a focus.

So, how do you help these Mavericks avoid an implosion that brings down the fortifications they have worked so hard to build?

1. Determine who, relative to the Maverick, has the position or relationship that will allow them to be "heard.  As my opening story implies, relationships impact how information impacts us. If it hadn't been my parents who left and my friend had said, "I noticed someone walked out on you." The meaning is very different than having your parents walk out. Will the Maverick trust the guidance of a long-time advisor, a colleague, industry expert, extended family member? Who delivers the message can be critical to its success or failure. 
2. Acknowledge their willingness to take risks and the importance of their leadership. Mavericks often react to any implication that they are not willing to face changes or that their ego is too attached to being in charge. Once again, the confidence they often exude does not lend itself toward being self-critical. Acknowledging that they have been willing to take risks and change (certainly true) set up the next step.
3. Use their experiences to frame the present as a challenge . . . in a series of historical challenges. By getting them to review the decisions they had to face, the risks they had to overcome, and the threats they faced you can highlight how a failure to act would have resulted in missed opportunities or even failure. 
4. Explore how the current situation is like past challenges. Mavericks once again tend to have a wonderful focus. They know what they think and believe. They know what their end goal is. What they often don't do well is to adequately consider factors that go against their vision. But, they have a history that where they have encountered roadblocks and threats. They have met them and made adjustments to survive. Help them recall this and focus on how to be proactive to prevent future threats.
5. introduce the need for facing the current risks. By now, you should have gathered enough information to tie their experiences into a well-defined "argument" for how the current situation calls for facing the challenge and  risks of change. Lay out your argument. But don't offer a pre-designed solution. 
6. Don't back down. The Maverick's first response may be to challenge you. After all, they are confident in their own thinking and simply trust other's take on a situation they know better than anyone. Displaying confidence here will likely help them consider the idea more seriously. Vacillating will only send the signal that you are uncertain and the Maverick will likely see this as a need to provide confidence and control and stick with their own plan.
7. If they agree, utilize them to come up with a plan. After all, these tend to be very capable people at least in some areas. Engage them in coming up with ideas. But remember to challenge their thinking in areas in which they are not strong. So in the case that follows the answer is not "the son needs to be like me!" the answer lies in "how to support the son's growth-with his own strengths--as a leader."
8. Give them a role or job. I think of the typical Maverick as a "working dog." Like a Border Collie or similar breed they do best when they have a job to do. Whether that job is to develop a new product line, find the right advising team for the son, or become a philanthropist or community leader . . . simply stopping or stepping back is a harder concept than doing something new. 
9. Be willing to give up your position to help the organization. Who ever has the task of challenging the Maverick needs to accept that this may "poison" the relationship with the Maverick if he or she is not ready to consider and accept this new challenge. So often this role needs to be taken by a board member, colleague, advisor, or and "expendable crewman" for the sake of the organization. A family member, especially in a family business context, may be the wrong messenger due to the fact that this may have irreparable consequences for the family

I once talked to a family business owner who confided that he did not think his son could make his own independent decisions. He feared that this son, and mid-life manager was overly-attentive to what others thought and therefore needed his continued supervision. I was incredulous!  In fact, the two men were very similar in personality and willingness to be "in charge" and run the business. The younger man however had more "sensitivity" to employees and did not "run rough-shod" over them in his decision making. I knew this younger leader, and in my opinion he in no way, demonstrated an indecisive, tentative, "people pleaser" leadership style.  I challenged the father. "So, you are telling me that you raised a son that can't think for himself and make his own decisions?" Thinking this would make him rethink his assessment. It didn't. He replied, "Yes." 

While I still did not believe the father's assessment was correct--I saw the son as trying to move toward a more collaborative and inclusive style of management perhaps as a reaction to the autocratic and forceful personality of his father and the father being over confident of the success of his management style--this father's "reality" was where we had to start. "If that's true," I rejoined, "then you need provide the right conditions to help him develop this ability."  He didn't disagree. From this, we began to talk about how the father's experiences helped to develop the confidence to make decisions and take prudent risks. We then explored his experience and his son's, noting how the circumstances were different for his son and began to craft a plan to help the son grow in his abilities--including a planned "backing out" of the father's role, some training, and continuing and increasing some industry-specific coaching they had begun to continue support for the son.

We can never forget that most Mavericks truly care about the future of the business in most cases. Even if that caring at times makes them "hold on too tightly." They generally are motivated to help the next leaders succeed. But they may have trouble seeing the practical steps that need to happen to turn this into success without their direct involvement and may need someone to help them find a way to let go of the reigns.

Ebook available: Family Legacy: Protecting the family in family business. No cost, no obligation.

My Coach, National Awards, Spoiled Brats . . . and remembering a great team

Well, Coach Neal, my college Basketball coach, was named the WBCA NAIA Coach of the Year!  And I'm bitter about it. Why? Because, I only got to play for him for one year . . . in college, where I was a woefully undersized forward at 6'1", and mostly sat on the bench. He was supposed to be my coach for three years in High School, where I was a starter, and where he was the coach until he got "railroaded" by a bunch of . . . well, I won't label them . . . other than to say "immature kids"  . . . and the complicit adults . . . before my sophomore year. Without going into the details, the end result was that the board of education, I think taking the politically safe course, suspended him for a year, to appease the disgruntled and the local college, recognizing a good deal,  promptly offered him their open position. The only redeeming factor, as far as I was concerned, was that this let me play a lot of "noon ball" with him--and even tryout some prospects--but it wasn't quite the same as working one-on-one with this talented leader. 

But this post isn't really about my Coach--or my bitterness. It's to set the stage for what I am about to tell you.  A life lesson that has stuck with me throughout my career as a leader. It's the story about what makes a good team.

You see, after the kids (and their enabling cadre of adults) got rid of Coach, I played with two distinct groups of players. One, a very talented group of athletes that was a terrible team, followed by an average group of athletes that, as a team, excelled. What was the difference?  I'll tell you . . . in  a minute. But first, let me jump forward to the end . . . .

I still can feel the shock. It was my senior year. We had just finished the district final. We had been beaten. Badly. Our "arch-enemies," and the best team in the state, which they proved in the state tournament, had just beaten us for the third time, ending our high school career and launching them, in our place it felt like, to the state tournament. Why in "our place," given they were admittedly the best team in our Class?  Simply, because,we never expected to be beaten. Ever. Why would we feel so confident having been beaten twice before? Because each time we had lost only by a few points and each time we had a starter injured who did not play. Now we were back to full-strength, and at full strength we just didn't lose. But, we just had lost . . . it was inconceivable.  

But, let's go back now to the moment when Coach was suspended . . . .

Playing on a team where the players have just successfully "booted the coach" is interesting to say the least. Once Coach Neal was suspended, my ninth grade coach--a nice man but not a charismatic leader--was promoted. This good man struggled, I think, going into a situation where the "inmates" were really in charge. Oh, he tried to take charge and lead but underlying everything was the feeling that the players could call "mommy and daddy" at any moment and the coach would have to answer for the player's complaints. Not an inviable position to be in as a coach! The result of this, as far as the team's performance, was devastating. The players were good. The team was bad.

A say the players were "good" because they had a lot of potential. Compared to the team that would follow, they had advantages in height, speed, and most of all, in talent. (For example, the average height? Over 6'3" the latter team? Barely 6'0") They were fiercely loyal to each other--but only to each other--and they made sure the other players knew they were to "stay in their place." (There were, to be fair, a couple exceptions to this rule but only one played, so it had minimal effect)  Over the next two years, whenever my play elevated to the point that it threatened their status . . .they "messaged me" with their displeasure.  In a scrimmage, I received a hard elbow to the sternum which laid me out (I didn't know until that moment that you could bruise your sternum!),  I had a player take a swing at me in practice (I dodged it), and had two random fans ask me after one game, "why wouldn't they throw you the ball in the second half?"

I found myself adapting to survive.  So, when my coach rushed across the court after the player took a swing at me and asked, "Did he just try to punch you?" I deferred . . .  "I dunno coach, you'd have to ask him." When fans asked about not getting the ball in the second half, I said "I don't know," --when I had a pretty good idea.

The season, as a reflection of these dynamics, was a disaster. The team only won 5 games. One, proving their elevated talent level, was over the third-ranked team in the state. With enough talent to challenge for a conference title and a trip to the state tournament, it was a complete and utter failure.  Meanwhile, the next team, the "Junior Varsity," was having more success. What would happen when they became the Varsity? Shorter, less talented, less experienced--the prospects were not promising.

So, after the 5-win season,  the ninth-grade-coach-turned-varsity-coach was out, and a new coach was brought in. The coaching change, in my opinion, had little effect. The new coach, certainly came in under a better political climate, but his leadership was not such that it inspired any exponential improvement or motivation. As a change it was simply a replacement, not an upgrade. Besides, the JV had no trouble playing for either coach. 

But, something was different.

Athletes would say this next team was "coachable." With less talent, this team was far inferior "on paper" than the older team. Yet, this team played beyond its potential. This team beat every team they faced except three--two of the three went to state and one being the best team in the class that year. This was the team that played in the district final and were defeated, as told above, by the number one team presenting them from going to the state tournament. 

Two teams. Two different talent levels. Two different outcomes. One grossly underperforming. One excelling.

The difference was  . . . trust.

There was no trust on the older team. Everyone played for themselves. The awareness that the players had ousted the coach, made the coach be timid--who could blame him in a situation that was potentially dangerous. (After stepping down as the coach, he went back to teaching and, I think, coaching the 9th grade team). Underclassmen knew that the older players were more interested in their own status than having a great team. The older players just wanted the starting role and played to their egos, not as a team. One game, a player's shoe came untied, as the other team moved the ball down the court, he ran behind, signaling to the coach that his shoe was untied. The coach shrugged, knowing, I think, that the referees would not allow a time out when the other team was on a "fast break" and about to score an "easy bucket." Not good enough for this player, and frustrated by not being attended to, he violently kicked his shoe off-. . . sending it flying high over the bench where we sat and on to the track behind us. Then, he became "unhinged"  . . . fouling indiscriminately in his anger. Coach let him go. It is the first, and only time, I have seen a player foul out in the first four minutes of a game.

Meanwhile, the JV team didn't care about status. They wanted to win.  They played with whomever the coaches deemed would make them the best team--even when it meant that the center position, occupied by one of their buddies was replaced by an underclassman. No one was concerned about who was "the star" on any given night and, consequentially, different players excelled throughout the season.

Maybe, we learned from the chaos and failure of the older team, we certainly witnessed it and experienced its effects. But I don't think that was it. If it was, we never once talked about it.  This latter group, I believe, just had the idea that being successful was more important. Because we shared that goal, because our behavior aligned with that objective, there was trust.

When the season was over. It was time for the post-season awards.  Some players shared with me their expectation that I would be voted "All Conference.." The facts supported this assumption. I was the high scorer on the second-place team in the district. I appreciated the fact that my fellow players would acknowledge that I should be considered. When the list came out, however, I was not on it. One of my teammates, who was in attendance  said our new coach made a mistake in putting up three candidates for the award which resulted in our votes getting split. Perhaps they were split due to who performed best against each specific coaches team? I don't know. Oh I won't tell you that I wasn't disappointed not to get the award. But, with the hindsight of many years, it really was the most fitting ending to it all. This really was the success of a great team . . . not of a great player.

My coach and teammate respond! A follow up post.

Get our eBook: Engaging Your Team: A framework for leading "difficult" people.  No cost. No obligation.  

From "Doc" to "Mabe the Babe." 51 years in leadership . . . consistency . . . and change!

Okay, here's my "sausage fingers" and fist. Imagine two extra knuckles and you'll have the size of my Dad's hands.

Trigger warning!  The last time I wrote about my Dad's leadership it "messed up" one of the kids for the morning.  Well, MJM, you've been duly warned!

I've shared in this blog before how my Dad demonstrated the greatest act of leadership I have ever witnessed. He was a "leader personality" (his Meyers Briggs Type was ESTJ) and I've had many people--mostly from the hard sciences side of academia--tell me how consistent and fair he was as an administrator. His consistency left a strong family legacy. Working in one place for 51 years leaves a lot of "data" to evaluate one's leadership.

As I remember  it, it was Bruce, and employee at the college, who told me that my Dad had gotten recruited to run the graduate program at Auburn University--and turning it down. "Dad, is that true?" I asked. "Well, yes," he told me. He had taught some summer courses there evidently and attracted, perhaps, by his pedigree at Peabody (Vanderbilt) and the Ph.D., had asked him to stay on. "But I wanted to work in Christian education," he concluded. "Thanks, Dad!" I said sarcastically, "If you'd have taken that job, I could have had a nice car!" I rejoined. I don't think it bothered him one bit--"buying a nice car for his son" was not high on his list of values and I think he was quite happy with me working to buy my own, which I did, spending the tidy sum of $250..

I think it was Bruce, in the same conversation, who told me that this was also why everyone called my Dad "Doc." "At that time, he was the only one on campus with a Ph.D." he told me. As a kid, I remember the respect--and sometimes maybe a little fear--people in the community had for "Doc." He was an imposing figure at 6'3" in height, "north of 200 lbs." --and those hands! Being a farm boy in the 30s, my Dad regularly cut wood by hand, used mules to haul the logs out of the woods, and make some money. He told me it took 9 cords of wood to buy his class ring. Ugh.

Incidentally, the "Doc" label was picked up by our local dentist whose pity comment I was to hear repeatedly from my Dad once I completed my Ph.D. My Dad, would introduce himself, the thumb saying betwixt us, say, "Between him and me, we're a paradox." But we shared more that our academic accolades.  People comment on my "big square and thick hands"--my family calls me "sausage fingers"--and my hands are large, but . . . my Dad's fist, when matched to mine, extended beyond my hand by two knuckles! Truly massive.

Yes, Doc, with his position, his quick ability to reason, and his physical presence--his ram-rod straight posture was acquired during his college years when we would "rotate back" his shoulders as he walked across campus--all these attributes, demanded respect. In this, Doc was a model of steadfastness and consistency. After he died, we found a list of his goals for the college that he wrote when he first started. At his memorial, the President of the college read the list and commented on how his consistent vision, carried out over 51 years, had "made" the college.

But as family, I experienced far more than those who simply worked for my Dad. All of what made him "Doc" was equally true at home. He was consistent, value-driven, quick in his ability to assess and make decisions.  But that consistency did not mean there was no change in his leadership.

In fact, as part of the "second family." my Mom and Dad had two girls then waited more than a decade to have three boys, my experience was quite different than my older sister's experience. Already, even as I passed through my teenage years into independence, I was witnessing the transition from "Doc" to "Mabe the Babe."

It was a student, who caught me off guard with it, "So, you're the son of 'Mabe the Babe?;" he asked. College students can be so wonderfully, and maddeningly, unaware of their cheeky informality with faculty relations can't they?  "Mabe the Babe?" I reacted, "When did that happen?" I wondered. My son, a student at the school at the time, confirmed it, "Yep, that's what they call him"  What? no more "Doc?" As I became used to the new moniker it became all too clear--students looked upon my Dad as more of a kindly old grandfather figure than the authoritarian, VP of Academics, respected-yet-a-little-scary "Doc" of former years.

Students from the early years of his career tell me stories about how my Doc's toughness (unplugging the electric guitar at 2 am after a complaint to the police) and authenticity (he told me privately that "I was right" even though I knew it was not the college's position) had influenced them.  The younger students talked glowingly about what he and Mom had done for them--about his kindness and gentle spirit. You see, in his latter, post-administration, years the students knew nothing of Doc. They only knew my father as the aging professor and they gave him this new nickname, derived from his unusual first name, Mabrey . . . and from experiencing the kinder-gentler but still respected senior citizen he had become.

It was in a faculty meeting that my Dad once again showed his mettle. The school was facing some financial challenges. Cash flow was an issue. The President was asking for ideas from the faculty and staff on how to make cuts that could help. My Dad rose to the challenge, "Well," he said, "I've been here the longest, I should be the first to go." and with that, at age 85, a long 51-year vision ended with a final act of leadership. In that moment, "Doc" and" Mabe the Babe" were one and the same--actually, they always were.

P.S.--I'm seriously thinking about the lessons to be learned from the transition from "Doc" to "the Babe."  I pitched writing a book about the leadership lessons that could be learned--from both good and bad experiences--to my younger brother.  I can imagine gathering stories about "Doc" from my sisters, maybe from former students, faculty and staff, adding pictures, and chronicling the transition over the years.  Will it get written? I have no idea. But I do wish more people could have experienced the strength of Doc and the authentic kind-heartedness of Mabe. He, along with my mother, a picture of a "guileless encourager" formed a great laboratory to see what worked and didn't work in serving a small organization for decades.

My brother, a 21-year veteran of the Air Force has written a leadership manual that encompasses a lot of the people centered style that my Dad tried to follow. It's called Lessons Learned Around the World, and details how Keith learned to implement leadership skills with crews operating the airborne radar and coordinating with the ground forces and/or civilian authorities. If you are interested in developing a people-centered leadership style, I highly recommend the manual.

Get it here!

Who is advising family businesses? . . . That's brilliant!

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

A love of “Catch Phrases” 

My family has  a tendency to "latch on" to catch phrases from our favorite media (If you hear . . . "Inconceivable! or "Beam me up, Scotty!" . . . you might get the idea). We do this, perhaps, even to the point of being nauseous.  If you hung out with us, you could probably guess our current obsession from our banter.

Cabin Pressure . . . a great Britcom!

One of our current favorites, is a British radio program called "Cabin Pressure." It is about a . . . (Yellow Car! *) . . . family business where Carolyn, acquires, in the divorce from Gordon, the one thing her ex-husband "truly cares about" --a plane called "GERTI" for it's call sign of Golf, Echo, Romeo, Tango, India--and creates a business, MJN Air which stands for My Jet Now Air. The show stars a couple of acting heavy weights (Benedict Cumberbatch and Stephanie Cole) and, perhaps even more impressive, a comedic duo of unknowns (Roger Allam and John Finnimore, the latter of which, is also the author of the series). The program is a delight.

The airline owner, Carolyn, employees two pilots, one fired from the big airline, and the Captian, who is a technocrat who took four tries to get his license. She also has a "crew," her son, Arthur, played by Finnimore, who declares everything he experiences as "brilliant!" So whether it is the "Skipper's" ridiculous gold-braid embossed hat, the task of giving a lecture on polar bears, determining if he can--or cannot--imagine a thousand penguins, or just cleaning the lavatory . . . are equally wonderful, and Arther exclaims this with great enthusiasm as "Brilliant!." In fact, the only exception to this pattern of viewing the world in such superlative terms is when talking about his father who is . . . is . . .  ". . . not brilliant," and thus severely condemned in Arthur-parlance.

Consulting with Families . . . in Business.

What does this have to do with therapists and family business?  Well, for one thing, the crew of MJN Air could use the help of a good advisor . . . with some behavioral health experience. So could, for that matter,  the divorced-but-still-family of Carolyn, Gordon, and Arther. But that's a story for another day, the point is, that businesses, especially family businesses, are inextricably interwoven with the relationships of the family members.  Art here, as it does so often, mirrors life.

Most family business owners, like those in the sitcom, are left to "work it out among themselves" -- with greater or lessor success. But that is slowly changing. Family Business owners are recognizing the need to be planful about preserving the family.

In 2004, The Economist published an article on Succession called  "Passing on the Crown." In it, they reported that 70% of the attendees at the annual conference of the Boston Family Firm Institute were Family Therapists. What? Therapists!  Surprising? Probably. But it highlights both a need and one of the great challenges for Family Businesses--The family element of succession planning--and the risks it poses to both the business and the family.

Sources such as the Family Business Institute report that 88% of Family Business owners expect that the family will continue to own and operate the business in the following generation. But, as students of family businesses are well aware, in actual fact only about 33% make it to the second generation and around 10% to the third.

The sad part is not necessarily the outcome. After all, if the family itself decides that they no longer want to continue on as a family business--for what ever reason--and close down, get bought out by the management/employees, or out right sell--this is hardly a tragedy. It is simply a decision and an action no different that choosing to sell a car.

No, the sad part is that too often the end of the family business is not due to a plan but a reaction to tensions in the family itself. Dad or Mom won't let go. The kids can't get along or are uncomfortable inheriting the business. Personality characteristics threaten to disrupt the family or perhaps get tired in a public, legal, battle.

Family Therapists and Family Business . . . a perfect match.

So, it's a good thing that family therapists are preparing themselves to be advisors to these families. You see, the truth is, family therapists--like the family businesses themselves--typically have no education, training, or experience with family business issues. 

So, sending families with family business issues to the average helping professional is likely to end in a less-than-optimal outcome.

Family businesses need to prepare for succession and the difficult challenges they will face as the generational shit approaches. Helping professionals need to recognize that the majority of businesses are run by families and to prepare themselves to find the appropriate referral sources or train and educate themselves to be a good advisors.

This latter path often requires a change in the paradigm of the helping professional.  Am I a business expert? No. Can I tell them what legal or financial structures are recommended? No. So what value do I bring? Well, I can tell them how to set good boundaries, practice effective communication, not abdicate out of fear into avoidant behaviors, how to manage estranged family members . . . and much more. 

The things is, our value lies in what the family business owners say is their highest value, "The family!" In this, we are the experts.  Our involvement has the profound effect of making it more likely that family businesses, once left to their own survival, will experience an increase probability of being sustainable or closing without straining the relationships.

Helping professionals in general, but MFTs in particular, with the proper education and training can be invaluable resources and advisors for Family Firms. Utilizing skills like in-depth ethnographic interviews, assessment tools, coaching skills, family therapists can help craft action plans to aid these families with their move toward a successful succession and the maintenance of family relationships.

Planning retreats to reconnect disengaged families and coordinate planning for the future, sitting in on the family council meetings or participating in annual family meetings, coaching young leaders, helping families manage or prevent family conflict etc--the advisor's focus is on the health and well-being of the family wit in the ownership-management-family dimensions. 

A Family Business Consultant, with a family therapy background, can encourage the family to continue it's growth, address issues before they become toxic, keep open dialogue and provide support for the family's goal to maintain, preserve, and protect the family, and . . .

"That's Brilliant!"

Photo Credit: Gustavo Bellmen, Unsplash

* P.S.- One of Arthur's games is "Yellow Car!" where you say, "Yellow Car" if you see a yellow car. But if you see a car that's not yellow, you don't say "Yellow Car!" I know, I know, the rules can be quite tricky but fortunately, Arthur has completed a tutorial to explain the rules. Oh, and if you are a therapist, I think you will love John Finimore's take on therapy . . . see it here.  Finally, I must tell you . . .  "the lemon is in play."

Power Struggles

Photo Credit: Ming Jun Tan: Unsplash

I remember the tension. The Psychiatrist, initiating the confrontation, brandishing his power, all 5'10" of his height stretched to it's limit, leaning forward, eyes blazing. Determined. The teenage, belligerent, posturing back with chest thrown forward, eyes defiant, yet a little afraid. "This isn't good!" I said to myself, a little miffed that the "Doc" had inserted himself into something that was de-escalating fine. Still, generally, we had a near-riot going on on the floor and he, along with everyone, was "amped up" by the threat of what could happen. I watched the teen closely. What would he do?

It was a once-in-a-career bad day.  A couple of patients had tried to escape the confines of the mental hospital, had broken through barriers, been caught, and in the emotional chaos the "whole  wing" of the hospital erupted. Patients were milling about, yelling, threatening, feinting moves toward staff. The hospital had called out the emergency code, "Code 99, all staff to Unit A!" Staff of all levels moved to the unit. It was a tense, highly-electric stand off.

When you've worked in an institutional setting, with people that are struggling, you often have the need to engage them when they are struggling with their emotional regulation. No, I'm not talking about your boss at your workplace . . . . At least not yet. I'm talking about institutions like mental hospitals, prisons, nursing homes etc. Staff in these institutions are trained in de-escalation and one of the prime admonitions is "Don't get into power struggles!" Easier said than done for some . . . and for all in the right (wrong?) circumstances.

A great reason to engage an "outsider" at times of crisis is . . . that they are not part of the crisis . . . and thus may bring a calmer, cooler, "head" into the situation. I was that calmer, cooler head. But this was the Psychiatrist! The top of the "food chain," the guy in charge and responsible for the final decisions. I was a relatively new, and young, therapist/supervisor. What could I do? So, I watched, ready to intervene, and hoped for the best.

I'll admit I was a bit "peeved" at the Doc. Not only did I think the situation was "in control" and calming down, I also knew that if this young man escalated the Physician wouldn't be the one having to handle it. As the nearest "lower staff" nearby it would be me, alone, until help arrived. With everything going on--and the very real prospect that "one spark" would set off an explosion-- there was a good chance everyone else would be busy themselves.

Now, let's be real, power often works . . . IF you can maintain it. Your boss may get you to comply since he holds control of your paycheck. Legal officials--taxing authorities, police,judges, school administrators--get compliance because of the consequences they represent. But, power fails when the "other" believes they can escape the consequences, a higher value is a risk, or one is emotionally over-wrought. Such as this situation.

Power struggles happen in all types of organizations, with people from all walks of life, and levels of education. Having been around academia all my life, I remember being surprised how often these highly educated professionals could act in emotional and "petty" ways--"playing politics" and engaging in struggles for power and influence. They are not alone. Too often it happens in professional practices, religious institutions, non-profits, and family businesses as well as in the "disengaged" for profit cousins. It can get ugly. Especially damaging in organizations that have a more emotional connection such as a church or family business.

"Get behind that carpet or I'll have the staff restrain you!" the Psychiatrist threatened. Well, I'm glad to say, the the young man backed down. But there was a moment when he started to move toward the Psychiatrist, fists clinched, glaring . . . he almost broke. Fortunately, the staff talked through things with the patients and things calmed down. No interventions. No restraints. A good job of de-escalating a turbulent and threatening crowd. 

Certainly there is a time when power must be weirded. When abusive, threatening, behavior promises real harm to others then the use of power to stop harm is necessary. But if you are a leader, make sure that the power struggle is not of YOUR making. That the threat is not just your own perception but real and don't wait to engage an outside perspective to help you steer the best path.

Years ago, I had a son that started "de-tasseling" one summer. He quit after one day. But that was okay, he joined another crew . . . and quit after two days, saying "I really don't need any money anyway, and I'd rather spend the time reading." I was fed up. Fears of "my kid isn't going to persevere through tough times" dancing in my head. I knew I would get resistance--that it would be a "butting of heads" that, ultimately, i would "win" but not feel good about. I thought i should compel him to complete what he started. But, I also knew that I was very "worked up" about it. 

I did something that I never did before regarding a parenting decision. I called my Dad. I explained how my son had started and quit twice. i explained that I though he needed to complete what he started. I asked, "What do you think I should do?" There was silence, then, "He's going to have to work the rest of his life. I think I wouldn't worry about it, and let him have the summer off." My reaction? I must have called the wrong number. You can't be my Dad! . . . But, in the end, his calm, thoughtful, answer "checked my emotions" and I rethought my position--and the power struggle it would be to "win" the de-tasseling argument.

In the end, not satisfied with letting him totally off the hook, I told my son that while he didn't have to detassel but I wanted him to set some goal for the summer. He chose to download a list of the greatest 100 books of literature to read for the summer--a "cop out a bit," I my brain said  as I knew my voracious reader had probably read many of them. Still, it was a productive goal. So I agreed.

How does this story end? Was his life ruined because I didn't insist on him finishing what he started.  Well, my son went to college. his favorite English Professor told me that he had never had a student who knew as much literature as my son. He married the Professor's daughter, a wonderful match, and he is right now completing a Ph.D. in English.

So much for my fears. Boy, do I wish I'd have made him de-tassel. Not.

Power struggles need to be reserved for times when there is true injustices. When harm will come if abusive behavior is not checked. It is rarely productive when it is "simply" a factor of competing ideas, egos, or emotional reactions. As a leader, check yourself. Use an trusted outsider as an advisor. A "senior leader" with a subordinate with this issue? Address it. Get them help. Do yourself and those around you . . . don't amplify the problems through letting leaders see problems as a simple need to win.

The Greatest Act of Leadership? Doing nothing!

Marbly L. Miller. Still teaching at the college at 86, the students called him "Mabe the Babe." For most of his career he was just "Doc."

The greatest act of courage and of  leadership, to me,  is when someone acts on deeply held principles in the face of personal loss. I saw it "up-close and personal." Here's that story . . .

What's the greatest act of leadership you've witnessed?  For me, it was watching my father deal with my brother's death.

We all know that no one gets through life without getting "the call."  You know the dreaded, gut-wrenching, terrible, traumatizing call that informs you that some disaster or another has happened; a disaster that will alter the rest of your life. No I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. I do mean that call. That call that hopefully is a very rare event.  For me, there have been two such calls that stand out. One was the call telling us that our son's fiancee had cancer; the other call was from my father telling me my younger brother had been killed.

Now, before you "click away"--perhaps in self-preservation, not needing to subject yourself to another heart-rending, emotional, saccharine out-pouring of syrupy emotion--I promise, it won't be that post. No, this post is about courage and leadership. 

When we got the call about my son's intended, it was our duty to pass the phone on to our son. When my son got the horrible news, and in the days, weeks and months that followed, I has a father, of course, suffered--though not in the same proximity to the events--but never-the-less just as intimately, right along with him. "What was he thinking?" Could he do this--to support his bride-to-be through this ordeal, no-matter-what-the-outcome, at such a young age? How will he handle her suffering, her sorrow, her fears?

Should I, as a Dad, "put my oar in the water" and "help" this young man decide what to do? But he hadn't asked me to give my advice. Should I anyway? What would I say? The fear of what might happen in the event of his decision-making and coping weighed heavy.

Fortunately, this call wasn't the first call. This call was the second. This call came after witnessing the most personal act of courage and leadership I have ever witnessed and gave me the courage to face the fears of saying nothing . . . .

In 1992, my younger brother, at age 27, died. It was in a car-bike accident. But this story is not about that. Except that it was the context of the single greatest act of leadership that I have ever witnessed

Now I told you I'm a father. I have six marvelous children. At the time of my brother's death I already had three children myself. They are, each and every one of them, a true gift. I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of them. So, I can't imagine the pain my mother and father were experiencing, not to mention being able to function in the face of such an overwhelming loss. Yet, I watched my Mom and Dad do exactly that.  Here are a few things my Dad, the active leader of the two, did . . .

When he called me to tell me my brother had been killed--only a short time after the police informed them--he had already called my father-in-law; my father-in-law was, at the moment of the call, coming in my door as I got the news. My father had decided, I assume, that we shouldn't be alone at such a moment, and  that we should have support, so he called my father-in-law to alert him-before he called me. As a father, I cannot imagine having the presence of mind at such a moment to think this clearly. Not only was it good to have his caring presence,  I had someone who was not emotionally overwhelmed to drive me--safely-- to my parent's home some 45 minutes away. 

Later, when my brother's landlord wouldn't return his deposit to my parents because "my brother didn't give 30 days notice"-- and despite the fact the family had spent the weekend cleaning out the apartment so they landlord could, and did, get renters into the apartment before the first day of the month--and, immune to the rationale that they shouldn't hold onto his deposit because . . . "oh yeah, he was killed" and grieving parents should not have to deal with such issues even if somehow it seems "fair"--I decision which caused my normally stoically-reserved family to react in disbelief and anger. My father calmly replied, "I think we'll just let the lawyer take care of it." He did. (On a side note, something in me would have liked to hear that conversation. "So, would you like to go to court and tell a judge why you are keeping this money from the deceased man's parents?")

Finally, the conclusion of the courage and leadership came when I went with my father to the arraignment of the young man responsible for my brother's death. The family had decided that the only thing they would request--given the cause of death was an accident and the driver wasn't impaired--was that the young man have a physical check up to make sure this wouldn't happen again. I witnessed my father ask the court for this and then graciously accept the apologies--and extended hand-- of the young man and his parents with a handshake . . . and no drama . . . essentially doing nothing.

If there ever was a moment when my father showed me that he lived with courage, and understood the power of the position he held as a leader of the family--it was at this moment, when he stood by the principles he preached to us. 

Crisis often illuminates, more than any other time, who a leader really is and what they care about. Leadership "under fire" inspires others to want to follow that example to lead because you;ve experienced the gift and personal benefits of that leadership . . . .

So, as I watched my son and his marvelous fiancee faced their own personal tragedy . . . postponing their wedding, focusing on the treatment needed to get into remission, handling the fears and "what ifs?"--I said nothing about what they should do. This was a time for them to make their choices.. Not mine to make or take from them. My role was to support, my son and through him, his betrothed as they battled this disease. I watched as my, now current, daughter-in-law, with the support of her great family, face this illness with courage and strength. I saw my son support her selflessly though the process. What amazing character I witnessed in these two "early-twenties" young  people.

Only, recently, many years after these events took place, and after the happy events of remission, marriage and two beautiful granddaughters, did I tell my son about the internal "struggle of my brain," fearfully worrying about doing the "right thing" in those dark days. I wanted him to understand (as if his actions didn't already demonstrate this knowledge) the role that leadership plays in freeing others to follow their own path and create their own future . . . as he will undoubtable face these challenges in the future, himself, in some way. "I never considered doing anything different," he said, referring to the steadfastness of going through the treatment with his fiancee. "I just thought that's what you do," he concluded.   Thanks Dad!

Another leadership lesson I learned from Dad . . . how Dad got the bus moving again when the coach, and this year's coach of the year, and the bus driver couldn't . . . and saved the game.

From "Doc" to "Mabe-the-Babe" --growing and changing as a leader.

Leading is all about people. If you don't understand them you will fail. Bryan, with a doctorate in human development, has written a free eBook to help leaders find a framework for understanding people. Based on the principles of Schema Theory, Dr. Miller helps the leader understand the "worldview" of employees that seem difficult and hard to lead. Subscribe and get it free or check out his eBooks for Family Business leaders and professionals that want to move away from insurance dependency into contracting and consulting.

Preventing and Handling Conflict in Family Business

Plan or fail. Is your family business proactive about protecting the family in the business?

The following is an excerpt from our free eBook. Family Legacy: Protecting Family in Family Business.

Preventing Conflict

Rarely do families implement guidelines or procedures for managing family interactions within a family business. However, in many consulting situations, ground rules for communication are a helpful tool. Consultants who work in emotionally-charged groups will often set up guidelines for communication to help the consulting process succeed. Thus a simple rule such as “Refer to titles not people” or “Only speak for yourself” can help to reduce the risk of escalating conflict, as a comment like “Everybody knows that Robert is failing as a leader” can become “We need more leadership from the President position.”

Family businesses often do not implement structures that could prevent conflict. Suggestions regarding setting up a family constitution, holding regular family councils, or annual family assemblies are often met with resistance. “We don’t have time” or “I don’t want to mix family and business” are two of many reasons cited not to formalize the family’s interactions with the business and ownership dimensions. Even more resistance can be felt when the suggestion is to bring in an “outsider” in the form of a “family expert,” as many see this as unnecessary at best and a threat at worst. Attitudes persist that “good families” don’t need help. Unfortunately, most wait until problems have festered for years or decades and much damage has already been done.

A recent conversation will illustrate this sad situation. The author had a family business owner referred for possible consultation due to the fact that three siblings were beginning to “lawyer-up” for a fight over the assets of the parent’s estate and business holdings. The discussion was about how the siblings had reached the point where two had retained lawyers and the third was feeling compelled to “do something.” As we discussed the situation, the brother decided that it was unlikely that he could engage his co-owner siblings in a consulting process. He stated forlornly, “We should have had you come in years ago.” It is a sad comment family business consultants hear far too often.

When families are passive about the family issues, when they delay acknowledging tensions, and do not avail themselves of quality help, they often allow resentment, bitterness, conflict, and separation to grow and congeal. Businesses develop plans, engage in strategic thinking, hire experts to assist them . . . families deserve no less consideration and support. 

“Strong fences make good neighbors.”  Old Saying

“Love thy neighbor, yet don’t pull down your hedge.” Benjamin Franklin

Robert Frost, in his poem “Mending Wall” bemoans the division that barriers represent. He indicates “something there is that doesn’t love a wall, that wants it down.” Most of us, especially in our families can agree. We want connection, not separation. But . . .

Handling Conflict

Family members need to understand what it means to be a good bystander. When humans experience conflict they often respond in one of three basic ways: avoid, freeze, or fight. When a family member sees conflict between two other family members, the tendency is to try to determine who’s right or assess who needs their loyalty or protection. This usually serves to broaden the fight from a two-person problem to a three-person problem, or even a whole-family problem.

Yes, there are times when assessing and acting if someone behaves in an unfair, unethical, or aggressive way—and confronting that issue—is necessary. But with most family conflicts the problems are less black and white and usually come from real differences in opinion, experience, or coping strategies. 

How to Protect the Family: Structure and Process for Family Businesses

Researchers have found that families benefit from structure, routine, planning, and communication. Recent attention in the news to findings like the positive impact of families who eat at least four meals together a week would be one example. Family businesses benefit from these structures as well. Here are some of the vehicles that family firms use to protect and help the family succeed:

Family Constitution or Mission: A document created to state the family’s values and goals. Used to continue to provide an anchorage for the family to return to as the family business grows and changes.

Annual meetings: Annual events, often combined with a family reunion, to engage the family and inform them of the strategic planning and performance of the family business.

Family Councils: A representative group meeting regularly to develop plans, policies and procedures for the family business; with a particular focus on creating good communication and interrelationship between the business and the family.

Succession Planning: A process to create a plan to guide, sustain, and promote the health of the family and business as ownership, management, and family roles change and pass from one generation to the next.

Sadly, the old adage, "those who don't plan . . . plan to fail" is still often proved true, even  often in the modern day family business where information and resources are widely available. 

Help your family business or the family businesses you serve. Get our free eBook: Family Legacy.

Parents and Kids: Don't make it easy! Especially if you own your own business.

A knife, the right one, can be a useful tool.  Photo Credit: Juan Jose Alonso at Unsplash.

Warren Buffet, the "Oracle of Omaha," has started giving away his wealth . . . and it's not to his kids. He gets it.

I needed to run into the "big box store" for one thing. My son, courageously, volunteered to stay behind an take care of our dog. "Courageously" I say because I knew what was on his mind. The same thing that had been on his mind for the last week or more. The knife. "Maybe you could stop and look at the knife?" he cautiously asked . . . . I steeled myself, knowing this was not the time to be generous and give in. It was too important . . . for my son.

Recently, my 11 year old set his sights on buying a knife. His hope, a big-bowie knife. Now, some of you might be thinking . . . uh, no! Given the immature nature of many young boys, the culture of as presented in the main-stream media, parental anxieties, and the potential for "unintended outcomes" we, of course, worked to establish a more reasonable alternative.

That does not mean, in this instance, that our automatic answer is, "No knife." Since we have a very active average--complete with chicken coop, high tunnel, three garden spots and all the accompanying minutia of hey bales, tractors, tomato cages and the like--a knife is a practical tool that a "chore=laden" (at least in his eyes) boy could find useful. Not to mention his parents. Besides, we live in the heart of the farming community where 14 years olds drive farm equipment and help with the harvest. Really. It's not that weird for youngsters to carry a knife, at least, around the farm. (I have had to tell a few young lads that they cannot bring them to social events to show their friends however.)

So, yes, the knife is still in discussion. After all, this isn't my first time around at this. We have six children (four of which are boys) and I regularly counted on the other boys help in working around "the place." "Hey, do you have your knife on you?" was  not an uncommon question, especially,  if I didn't have mine on me at the time.

But, the discussion about the knife is always about responsibility. "Do you think you are old enough to be responsible with a knife?" I'll ask, putting the necessity of this requirement to their mind. This youngster, in my assessment, is on the verge of consistently acting responsible enough . . . but not quite. So, I had a talk with him about his lack of consistency--giving his mother a hard time about chores, being upset that she didn't buy him the knife when he expected it, his general attitude and treatment of others.

"I can't give a knife to someone until I know they are going to be responsible," I told him. "i see you becoming more and more responsible but you need to do it in all areas if you want to be trusted with something like a knife.  Your mother and I look forward to when you are responsible enough to have a tool like a knife." I concluded.

I was practicing the age old rule of "not making it easy." It's advice I give to parents in general and especially to parents who have done well--many who own family businesses. Oh I know the sad truth that there are parents out there that are mean, withholding, even abusive to their children--those parents need a different rule called "be kind"--but I think the majority are more in danger of wanting to do too much for our children. Thus, we rob them of learning early on how to handle disappointment, frustration, and to reinforce the satisfaction of turning their hard work, and patience into meeting their needs and wants.

This does not preclude another of my parent rules, "Say 'Yes" as much as you can." You see, as I said earlier, our answer is NOT just "No." In fact, the answer to the knife is "Yes, when you're ready." The same foes for getting a car in a few short years. When you are mature enough, have earned the money to pay for it, and grateful for the privilege of owning it.

Parents who are owners of their own businesses run into an even greater danger of making it too easy. Saying "Here, son/daughter, "here are some opportunities, assets, cash, etc." may make good business sense. it may help pass down your assets, make create tax write-offs, and may just tempt you to want to be kind to your children. But, just like staking a tree too soon for fear that it will break, staking it before it has strengthened itself against the wind and other elements, only weakens it and makes it likely to fail when it is grown and it's weakened condition is overcome by the weight and stresses placed on it as an "adult."  Like the tree, these "coddled," advantaged, children may not develop the internal strength to weather the storms of life.

"I'll look at it," I responded to my son, "But don't expect me to be coming back with it," I warned. "I know," he said. I watched as determination and courage followed the initial disappointment. Inwardly, I winced, my heart grieving for the kid and the disappointment he felt. My thoughts moving to the pride I felt however  in seeing him work to be the mature young man he can be, and reminiscing about the joy of watching my other boys become men.

The funny thing, which I knew would happen (remember it's not my first "rodeo"), is that his general mood has been better. Saying "no, for now" has actually released him of the pent-up pressure of "wanting."  He's more pleasant, more helpful, just happier. The good thing is, it's no longer just about trying to manipulate me into getting the knife either. It's real. That afternoon, he voluntarily, sauntered out and helped me replace the wheel on his sister's car and he enjoyed helping. It's progress.

I'm still going to try and talk him into a more reasonable knife--not one that is "flashy" and "mammoth" into one that will be more useful. But the type of knife is not the biggest concern. No, my danger, as a parent is . . . I'm already wondering--now that he showed some mature fortitude--how soon I can take him to buy a knife. Yes, I'm my own worst enemy. I may have to "practice what I preach" and exercise a little frustration tolerance.

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Estranged family member? Tips for reclamation . . . or preventing family erosion.

Oiler Rahman: Unsplash

He got right to the point. "Everyone has already 'lawyered-up' and no one, but me, has talked to my older brother in over four years." The brother had called me at the recommendation of his counselor. "I feel like this has torn the family apart. Once this is over, I don't know if any of us will ever see him again."  It was a story I'd heard before and a story that is far too common. The comment was made by a man who was facing a legal fight with his siblings over the family business assets and fearing that the separation with his older brother would become a permanent chasm within the family.

So, it got me to thinking, what tips would I give to families with an estranged family member after more than 25 years of working with families? What works? What doesn't work? What are some of the common mistakes? No that's too much. How about just some basic tips. Yes, that might be helpful . . . more  on those tips in a moment . . . .

There are few things more painful than being estranged from family members. Families in business are certainly not immune--and may even be at higher risk--due to the proximity and engagement often demanded in a family business.

Once a separation begins, it can be very hard to mend the family "fabric" or even to stop the expansion of the separation that can threaten the integrity of the family and perhaps the business.

Who do family members call when they recognize a weakness or rip has started? Generally, no one. In my experience, efforts will be undertaken by the family itself without any outside help . . . if they do seek help it often is not until the pain of the problems get worse--much worse. Generally the divisions go back 5-7 years (or more) before help is sought. It is at that point, often when the family, business, or both, are facing a crisis that family members begin to talk to their advisors.

Who do they talk to?  Whom ever they trust. Often friends, lawyers, accountants, bankers, business consultants . . . But . . . if the problem is really a family issue, who should they talk to? Probably someone with extensive experience with family systems. Unfortunately, that generally means going to "see a shrink" but many won't go because "they''re not crazy" and sadly, if they do go, many mental health professionals will treat this like any other referral for depression, anxiety, etc. It's not their faulty, it's what the medical model has encouraged and the insurance companies will allow.

What I mean by the "medical model" and "insurance" comments is that what families need (extensive interviewing, development of a plan of action, perhaps a family retreat or other "non-medical" interventions) are not part of the typical outpatient practice nor are they items that can be billed to insurance. Therefore, few professionals are aware of, or have any experience with, helping extended family systems--particularly with the complexities of a family in business together.

So, given the fact that most will not seek help until the problem has reached a crisis, and even then, many do not get adequate help . . . let's offer a few tips for family members based on 25-plus years of working with families . . . 

1. You can't force someone-even a relative-to have a relationship with you. You can make it easier or harder for them to connect with you, get through difficult periods, or take the risk of reconnecting after a loss of trust..

2. Okay, in some cases you can force people. But it's not a sign of a healthy or sustainable relationship. This forced relationship is called by many names . . . control, domestic violence, or abuse. Once the person finds the courage to escape from this forced relationship they are not likely to willingly return. (However, this leaving may take years and repeated approximations of leaving before a final "break.")

3. The core problem that leads to a separation is typically between two people. It can of course spread to become an "all out war"--think of the Hatfields and McCoys. Keep it, to the best of your ability, between the two people. We call this being a "good bystander" to conflict. Hold each person accountable for their actions. Don't take sides. Refuse to be drawn into the "blame game." See the problem as a problem not as a defect in one or the other.

4. What I mean in #3 is that if you see the conflict in terms of "right and wrong" or "what is fair or just" then you will probably turn the problem into a family war not a problem between two people. After all, most of us want to protect the injured party and hold the perpetrator accountable. But unless there is a clear incident(s) where one party is responsible for the harm it often is a situation of "two different stories" about the events that have led to the problem. Be sure one party is responsible. Don't be quick to take a side. Always operate based on what you have observed not what you are told.

5. Although the best default is a neutral stance, there are times real issues (anger, alcoholism, abuse) are at the core of the problems. If this is the case--and you have personally experienced this--then tell it "like it is." Tell the person that you see these problems and hope that they will address them if they really want things to improve. Don't blame your opinion on the other party--none of this "you know they have a point." Own it as your own observation. You may get cut off but things don't improve if these behaviors are enabled. Have the courage to "do the right thing" gently even if it means you lose the relationship.

6. True or not. Healing begins with individuals taking as much accountability as possible for their own part in the conflict. Along the lines of: "While I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. Maybe my actions, when seen from your viewpoint, were, in fact, disrespectful." But it myst be authentic. If the party is not trying to see their part in the problem and focused on addressing that . . . then they are likely simply trying a gambit to move past the conflict while still blaming the other person. It rarely works. The other person may be fooled temporarily but we are really good generally at seeing the trends over time and the truth will leak out.

7. Rebuilding trust takes time . . . often, a long time . . . and you typically only get one chance. Don't blow it. I am often surprised by people who tell me that rebuilding the relationship is "the most important thing they want" and then I watch as they allow their frustration and anger to prevent any progress. They demand immediate reclamation of the relationship. They blame the other for not being willing to take risks on their preferred schedule. Often it's fear. The thinking often is, "If I don't make it happen now then it will never happen!". The hard thing is, they may be right. I ask them if the real goal is to "hang a plaque" saying "I tried everything I could but they wouldn't let me in!" or to increase the probability of having a relationship. Despite what they say, their actions will tell the story of what they really want. Think of this time as a "temporary sabbatical" and focus on "leaving the door cracked open" so a reunion is possible.

8. Finally, choose your advisors carefully! Make sure they have the expertise to help with family issues.  I just have to say a word about any advisors/mediators you use to help you in this reclamation project. They need to understand human systems at a deep level. Many, sadly, reenforce the blame game and may be unwilling or unaware of addressing deeper issues that keep the parties stuck. They need to be absolutely committed to the possibility of reconciliation but humble enough to know that even they cannot control the parties in the conflict--or guarantee the outcome of those parties.  If parties refuse to reconcile, the expert can help confirm and clarify the consequences of the choice and guide family members to keep this decision from turning the family life into a "world war." This may. at times, allow other family members the right to make a different choice. "I know you don't want to see our older/younger brother but I am not going to cut either of you out of my life." and help the family accept each person's right to choose.

The caller sounded hopeless about changing the siblings minds on going to court. He acknowledged that they should have done something "four years ago" and they might have avoided this estrangement. The end of the call came when the brother noted, "I'll talk to my other siblings, and call you back if we can do something, but I think it's gone too far to turn back." He went on to say that the court date had been set and he couldn't see them backing down to try something else at this point. When I contacted him later--not having heard back from him--it turned out that he was right. No one saw a way to "restart" the process and avoid court. 

Sadly, re-engagement with the family, in this case, may take a very long time; it is possible-maybe even likely-that it doesn't happen at all. I hope they are fortunate enough to het another chance. So, if you are facing threats to the family act now. Engage the problems. The old adage "the best defense is a good offense" applies. The best way to repair broken relationships in the family is to not let them get broken in the first place. But if they do, these tips can help maximize the opportunity to reconnect.

If you are a member of a family business, or interested in family business issues, feel free to download our free eBook: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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Family Legacy: Protecting the family in business. Free eBook.